I have been trying for about a year now to tag myself in a relationship with myself on Facebook. They won’t let me, which is frustrating, because I am dead serious about it. I’m thinking about starting a petition or staging a hunger strike to get it Facebook-legal.
Totally kidding on the hunger strike. I wouldn’t last a day doing that. Maybe I could tag myself in a relationship with “food”…but they won’t let me do that, either. Facebook is so Fascist.
OMG. New smoosh: Fascistbook.
(Okay. This has started off as one of the rambliest introductions in the History of Blogging, ever. This is what happens when I can’t sleep at 3 a.m. and decide it is a good idea to start writing, after a week of being too busy to do so. Need. More. Coffee. Stat!)
So, let me get down to the point by stating my thesis (I have been grading papers like a mo’fo these last two weeks and the word thesis is seared into my brain): It is a long journey to get to a place of healing after a spouse shocks you with not being straight, and I think I might be really close because I am finally comfortable with being in love with myself; so much so, that while I do desire to have a relationship of love someday, I am happy with who I am and would marry myself if I could.
(I also would marry the semicolon if I could; it causes run-on sentences to be a little less run-on. When you are done reading, play “Where’s Semicolon?” because I am feeling a massive SCA coming on. That’s an acronym for Semicolon Attack.)
I am not sure where you are in your process of dealing with your shocking news about your spouse. Maybe you know and they don’t know that you know. I have seen that happen way too many times to others, and I do my best to empathize; the weight you carry is enormous. Maybe you are deciding to get a divorce…or not. I did that, but it was a long two years before that decision popped into my brain. Wherever you are in your process, I am here to tell you that someday, you might be where I am this morning at 3 a.m. Let me show you where I am by the following picture:
This is it. ^^^^ This is me. This is why I want to change my relationship status to “in a relationship with Emily Fay Reese.” Fascistbook won’t let me. They suck.
It’s been about four weeks now, and I have finally felt a consistent peace about being happy for the rest of my life with being alone, but not lonely. Do you know the difference? Lonely can happen anytime: in a relationship, post divorce, five years after divorce (and attempted relationship), in a room full of amazing friends, or at some rah-rah Amway convention. Lonely is out there, and I have bathed in it.
What has changed in me? I am not really sure how I got here. I don’t know if it was time, my own will, the death that I faced through cancer…or what. Maybe it was a combination of all of them.
The only thing I know, is that I am here, in this amazing place; so, I know you can get there, too.
I suppose, if you need a little insight, I have learned who I am at my core. I have learned how to put up boundaries. I have learned to forgive myself, which makes it easier to forgive others. I have learned the secret blessings that fill in the cracks of your heart through practicing empathy and non-judgement. I have learned the art of being humbled and not fighting it for too long before I give into the feeling of lowliness. I have also learned the empty arts of chasing men too much, online dating failures, compromising my understanding that sex does not equal eventual love, fruitless meat-market flirting, and beer goggles.
I am not Mother Teresa, obviously; I know this. Take a look at the text exchange between myself and my ex a few weeks back. Some of my points were necessary, but were lost in the vomit of swearwords and crazy emotional outbursts. Or better yet, ask my kids. I have Tourette Syndrome at times with them, and it disgusts me when I think about it. Thank God they are so forgiving; my Three Little Birds are pretty awesome.
When it comes down to it, I cannot be happy in any relationship (be it romantic or friendship) if I am not confident in who I am or what I bring to the table. I used to be the kind of person who, like the Borg, assimilated into the other person. Everything I did or thought was based on what that other person needed or wanted. I did those things in the name of Love, but it was skewed, unbalanced and blinding. I lost myself before I even had the chance to discover who I truly was. When Devon’s Big Reveal happened, I was majorly suffering; I was hurt by him, but I didn’t know how to stand on my own two feet. I hadn’t ever been alone and was shrouded in the heaviest burden of loneliness that I had ever experienced.
Do you know what I mean? Am I being clear enough? It is now 4 a.m., after all.
There is something about knowing your core, coming into your own, and learning what we can control and what we can’t, that brings people to a place of 86ing loneliness, even if we’re alone. I love going on walks by myself, cooking for one, going out to eat on my own or heading to a movie by myself. It’s more about living in the moment while still wanting a relationship in the future. It’s about acceptance of your life and being joyful about it, rather than hanging your head low and just dragging your feet from place to place, like a martyr. Eeyore was really good at that, and clouds loved him. I don’t want to be an Eeyore anymore. I want to be a Tigger. Or a Pooh.
Probably a Pooh. Look at what was said here. It ties my whole ramble together nicely.
This is beautiful, because it mentions: food, which I would also marry; living daily in the moment, which is what I have learned to do; thinking with a positive perspective, which is what Pooh does; the image is peaceful, which peace reigns my life; and I get to make a long list with semicolons because of this image, which is super impressive.
I love myself unconditionally, and this gives me unconditional love for you. I am at peace with myself being alone, without being lonely. I feel confident that you can have that, too, if you just give yourself some time and some patience. You may even get to a place of wanting to change your relationship status on Facebook to something that will last a lifetime…guaranteed.
Marry yourself. Dance with your soul. This is where true love starts; a place where you can never be lonely.
Love, The Rambling Soul
P.S. How many semicolons did you find?
One of the constants from the people who contact me is that many of you feel alone in this journey, especially because you feel like no one gets the anger, hurt and chaos you live in everyday. I want to assure you that there are so many others out there whose spouses have come out or are in hiding, and we love you.
Easier said than done, but maybe this is something that will encourage you today.
SameSides: Your Spouse is Gay. What Now? 